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The news we’ve been missing

November 7, 2013
Joyce Schenk , Westfield Republican / Mayville Sentinel News

Although Brian Williams and Diane Sawyer have been reporting on the ongoing problems with Obamacare and the flap over the U.S. spying on its allies, we've all been missing the BIG news of the day.

I realized that fact yesterday while standing in the check-out line in one of those big grocery/discount stores.

There, placed strategically between the racks of candy bars and the novelty impulse items, several stands of flashy tabloid magazines promised to reveal the REAL news of the day.

The Enquirer, the Star and a host of their sister publications featured splashy headlines and eye-catching pictures.

I had plenty of time to scan the information since, as always, I had chosen the slowest moving line in the store. Thanks to my creeping progress, I even had time to check out some of the stories tucked away on the inside pages. I was sure the store folks wouldn't mind since there was always the chance (though slim) I just might buy one of the magazines.

Among the pieces that caught my attention was one headlined "Oprah Brainwashed by Cult." The story stressed that a "reliable source" had brought the information to light.

Then there was the stunning bulletin that "Donald Trump is Pregnant." Wouldn't you think Brian would have included that kind of bombshell on his evening newscast?

One story of great historical interest was headlined "Abraham Lincoln Was a Woman." The piece, which quoted some interesting suspicions voiced by long-time history buffs, even displayed a grainy picture of a rather homely Lincoln-like woman. Where do you suppose they found that treasure?

Here are some of the other shocking headlines included in the tabloid collection:

"Bush on Cocaine"

"FBI Captures Bat Child"

"Michelle Obama's Secret Hit List"

"How Michael Jackson Really Died"

And, perhaps the most shocking of all: "Hillary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby"

I found it very interesting that almost every story carried in these splashy publications was noted to be "shocking." Other common threads running through the pages were references to "unnamed sources," "a well-placed insider," "an expert who asked to remain anonymous".

Apparently, no one wanted to be personally identified with suspicions about Oprah's brainwashing nor Bush's cocaine use.

Of course, here and there throughout these informative magazines there continue to be references to Elvis being spotted pumping gas in an out-of-the-way service station in Ohio or Jimmy Hoffa discovered hiding in a cabin just off the Appalachian Trail.

In spite of my fascination with the "shocking" news included in the magazines, when I finally reached the cash register, I left all the flashy, "informative" tabloids behind.

The National Enquirer can say what it wants about "Enquiring Minds Want to Know," I'd still rather get my news from a NBC. At least Brian Williams is willing to name the sources of his information.

Until Brian confirms Donald's pregnancy or Hillary's adoption, I intend to remain skeptical.



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